Alone in the Dark

If there's any justice, Tim Burton's grandson will one day film a lovingly campy biopic about director Uwe Boll. Heir apparent to Ed Wood, Boll follows up 2003's "House of the Dead" with yet another incoherent video game adaptation. Paranormal detective Edward Carnby (Slater) represses memories of an orphanage trauma as he travels the globe collecting mystical chotchkies and fighting poorly-lit bad guys. When his fellow orphans start disappearing, Carnby and his scientist girlfriend (Reid) team up to battle bargain-basement CGI terror dogs. The monsters are somehow tied to an extinct Indian tribe, but you'll be too busy groaning at Reid's phonetically sounded-out science talk or the ridiculously inane opening crawl to care.