Here at the MovieRetriever offices, we're usually more than willing to give a movie, any movie, the benefit of the doubt. You never know when you're going to find a diamond in the rough, when something that sounds like an insanely stupid idea - a movie based on a Disney theme-park ride, for example - turns into something very memorable and very cool. (And, no, we're not referring to Haunted Mansion or The Country Bears.)

However, we'll admit, we're having a really, really hard time being positive about the upcoming Star Wars: The Clone Wars animated movie, hitting theatres on August 15. Why? You mean, aside from the fact that all three of the Star Wars prequels stunk, that the Clone Wars as a concept is ridiculously boring, that we already know the outcome of the wars thanks to Revenge of the Sith, or that George Lucas just keeps blandly re-exploiting concepts he ran into the ground 20 years ago instead of making all those "art" movies he kept claiming he'd made as soon as he was done with the new trilogy.... you mean, aside from all that? Maybe we're just being negative.

But, to be fair, the Cartoon Network Clone Wars series was the best Star Wars-related production since Return of the Jedi and the trailer does tap into the deep nerd-core of our fanboy brains, so maybe we should just give Clone Wars a break. (It certainly helps that Lucas is only tangentially associated with the feature.) Still, Lucas needs to realize that the unimpressive prequels have made us total skeptics about the future of any or all Star Wars movies, so if Lucas really, really wanted to win over our jaded hearts, here's where he can start:

TEN MOMENTS SKEPTICS WANT TO SEE IN

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS

10. In a pitched ground battle in the Bespin system, Commander Cody of the Clone Troopers finds himself trapped behind enemy lines and face-to-face with the vile General Grievous. Grievous asks, "Do you even know why you're fighting this 'Clone War,' soldier?"

Cody shoots back, "Of course. It all began as a conflict between the Confederacy of Independent Systems and the Galactic Republic, who had long-term disagreements over certain embargoes and financial import/export concerns in the outlying trade regions. Following the failed trade blockade on Naboo, the Confederacy began assembling a quorum of stakeholders who openly disagreed with the Republic and who began exploring both political and military options for pushing their various agendas into legislation. However, as a contingency program, a former Jedi representative had placed a preemptive order for several legions of clone... "

Cody looks left and right and realizes that everyone within earshot, both human and droid, have dropped dead of EXTREME, MIND-NUMBING BOREDOM.

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9. In the Jedi locker room, Anakin stands at a mirror and asks Obi-Wan, "So... how do you think I'd look with a mullet? 'Cause I think I'd look AWESOME."

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8. Anakin Skywalker's new Jedi trainee, Ahsoka Tano - you know the new character they're introducing in Clone Wars who never appears in Revenge of the Sith - is forced to wear a student-Jedi "red shirt" every time she visits a new planet and is giving the military codename "Cannon Fodder."

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7. Following a hard day on the battlefield, Darth Sidious and Count Dooku sit on the hood of their space-cruiser, sharing a death-stick and staring up at the stars. Sidious inhales and says, "Man, you know what would be totally cool? If we had, like, a gun, you know, like a really big gun, that was like... a planet. You know, like a gun that was also a planet."

Dooku coughs out a cloud of smoke. "Oh, dude, that's killer. You could call it, like, the Death Star or something."

Sidious: "Whoa, man, that's PERFECT. We gotta write this down."

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6. Jabba the Hutt auditions new slave girls, with the role of Simon Cowell played by Salacious Crumb.

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5. After Anakin makes a stirring speech, declaring his undying love for his secret wife, Padme's eyes well up and she says, "My God, Anakin. You've never spoken to me so eloquently, so passionately. For once, it actually sounds like you're a human being and not some idiotic movie cliche... wait a minute..."

Padme walks over to her space-computer, checks imdb.com, and sees that George Lucas doesn't get a screenplay credit for Clone Wars.

"... ohhhh, now that makes sense."

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4. R2-D2 and C3PO save Obi-Wan Kenobi from certain death on the planet Rattatak. Obi-Wan turns to the droids - "R2, 3PO, I'm eternally grateful. Is there anything I can ever do for you?"

C3PO responds, "If it's not too forward, Master Kenobi, since we've spent literally years working together, during which time we've accompanied you through some of the most memorable experiences in your life, I'd only ask - since you're a human being who can't have his memory wiped clean like we can - if we're ever separated and later reunited - say on the planet Tatooine in about 20 years - I'd only ask that you actually REMEMBER who we are and not tell people that you had no memory of ever owning droids. Or is that too much to ask?"

Obi-Wan turns to the camera and gives a thumbs-up. "No problem, 3PO." Cue slide-whistle sound effect.

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3. Shia LaBeouf makes an appearance as Chancellor Palpatine's young nephew, Mutt Palpatine. George Lucas hails the cameo as his bold attempt to bring the Clone Wars into the future.

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2. During a meditation session at the Jedi Temple, Yoda tells his old friend Mace Windu, "In the Force, cloudy the outcome of this Clone War is."

Windu turns to Yoda, "The Force just keeps telling me I'm going to die a really, really stupid death."

Yoda looks at his hands. "So, lunch do you want to go?"

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1. In the act of kidnapping Chancellor Palpatine, General Grievous and Count Dooku find themselves trapped in a stand-off between Yoda, Mace Windu, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Anakin.

Yoda says, "Now finished this will be. Who lives and who dies, we know not."

Suddenly, a member of the movie audience stands up, silhouetted Mystery Science Theater-style, and screams, "We ALL saw Revenge of the Sith! We all know none of you die yet! This is just one big exercise in futility!"

The Jedi and Sith stand blank-faced. Palpatine steps forward, force-chokes the audience member to death, and looks at the camera. "Anyone else got a problem with this? No? Good. Let's continue."

Lucasfilm security officers remove the body and bury it behind the llama pens on Skywalker Ranch. Fin.