Do you remember when George Lucas left so much to thrive in his viewer's imaginations? Just the fact that The New Hope was the fourth installment in a reportedly nine-part series always left fans of the original Star Wars trilogy the right to dream. We could imagine what happened in those first three films and what would happen after Jedi. And what the hell were the Clone Wars, that cool-sounding conflict mentioned off the cuff by Obi-Wan Kenobi to Luke Skywalker? The fanboy mind reeled at what happened during that legendary battle. The prequels were damaging to the dynasty enough, awkwardly painting in the numbers of what happened before Luke, Han, and Leia made movie history, but Star Wars: The Clone Wars is a different kind of pillaging of childhood dreams, an even lazier, more incompetent, creatively corrupt piece of filmmaking than this jaded former fan of the franchise even thought LucasFilm was capable of releasing under the Star Wars banner.

When you first heard of the Clone Wars, did you picture a predictable story that centered not on Anakin, Obi-Wan, and bad-ass lightsaber action, but rather on a kidnapping plot featuring Jabba the Hutt's son, his creepy uncle, and a new female Padawan named Ahsoka Tano? (I know I didn't.) Taking place between Star Wars: Attack of the Clones and Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, The Clone Wars opens in the middle of the famous conflict between the Galactic Republic, led, of course, by familiar faces like Mace Windu and Yoda, and the Separatists, led by the nefarious Count Dooku (and, yes, the actor who will do anything he’s offered for the price of a sandwich and a per diem, Christopher Lee, actually returns to voice the tragically named Count, along with Anthony Daniels and Samuel L. Jackson as the only returning talent from the prequels). Jabba the Hutt's son is Huttnapped by a group of renegades, and the Republic decides to help the rotund gangster, hoping that their help in the rescue of Jabba's offspring will get the influential ruler on their side. Yoda sends Anakin (and his new Padawan Ahsoka) with Obi-Wan to rescue the Huttling, who it turns out is a part of a complicated scheme that also involves Jabba's uncle Ziro (ridiculously voiced as if Richard Simmons was the inspiration for the role) and the dangerous Asajj Ventress (whose lightsaber battle with Obi-Wan is the action highlight of the film).

Ventress is definitely a physically engaging villain and some of the large battle sequences are well-staged, but, even more than in the prequels, the storytelling is shockingly weak. Almost every line of dialogue involves straight-up plot discussion about the Republic, Jabba, Dooku, etc. When you know that ALL of the major characters are going to survive to the TV show (this is actually just an extended pilot for the upcoming series) and Revenge of the Sith, the actual storytelling becomes SO important, and what writer Henry Gilroy has produced is ridiculously heavy on exposition. And, sadly enough, complete lack of character and laughably predictable plot of The Clone Wars might be acceptable if the film was visually impressive, but director Dave Filoni has crafted a visual experience that's closer to a video game cut scene than any film yet produced. Honestly, the Ratchet & Clank PS3 game that I was playing before my Clone Wars screening had significantly more interesting visual detail. The traditionally animated Clone Wars series that played on Cartoon Network from 2003 to 2005 (actually, the best Star Wars material since the original trilogy) looked vastly better than this higher-budget CGI version, which just looks flat and boring.

And that, right there, is the tragedy of The Clone Wars. It's become boring. My mind has rarely wandered as much as it did during the latest LucasFilm disaster, as if there’s no more goodwill left to destroy. A franchise that once inspired the imagination of billions has fallen so far that it can't keep your attention for 98 minutes. A world that had the power to transform the most jaded adult into a child again has been turned into such a cavalcade of cinematic failures that even the youngest fans will only learn the meaning of disappointment.

Rating: ONE BONE

Reviewed by Brian Tallerico (MovieRetriever.com Film Critic)

Release Date: August 15, 2008

Rating: PG

Starring (the voices of): Matt Lanter, Ashley Eckstein, James Arnold Taylor, Dee Bradley Baker, Tom Kane, Nika Futterman, Ian Abercrombie, Corey Burton, Catherine Taber, Kevin Michael Richardson, Anthony Daniels, Christopher Lee, and Samuel L. Jackson

Director: Dave Filoni

Writers: Henry Gilroy