With a title that reads like a Mad Libs contest winner for stupid action sequels (other failed-but-equal entries might have been "Crypt of the Monkey King" or "Pyramid of the Lizard Master"), The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor takes the already-mediocre reputation set by the first two Mummy films and completely destroys it. One of the most insufferable and boring action movies in years, Mummy 3 should be an embarrassment to everyone involved, but that assumes that Rob Cohen can still feel shame, something that must be difficult after giving the world The Fast and the Furious, xXx, Daylight, Dragonheart, and Stealth. Honestly, the words "A Rob Cohen Film" struck fear in my heart before Mummy 3. After his worst film, I may dread them more than any other credit that could possibly appear after the final preview. Yes, more than “A Uwe Boll Film” or “A Brett Ratner Film”, although it’s a close contest.

The title of the third Mummy film refers to an ancient ruler named Emperor Han (Jet Li) who sought immortality but found himself and his army forever cast in stone after the witch Zi Yuan (Michelle Yeoh), who was supposed to make him live forever, put an end to his quest for ultimate power. After an interminable introduction, we flash forward to 1946 England, where we're reunited with Rick and Evelyn O'Connell (Brendan Fraser and Maria Bello, replacing Rachel Weisz), a pair of former adventurers who have now basically retired. The O'Connells are approached by the government to go on one last mission - taking the famous Eye of Shangri-La to its new home in a Shanghai museum. Coincidentally, their son Alex (Luke Ford) happens to have just discovered the tomb of the Dragon Emperor in China and is about to unleash his find on the world and, of course, Evelyn's brother Jonathan (John Hannah) has to be around for comic relief. Naturally, Han comes back to life, as does his army, and the entire O'Connell clan has to make sure he gets put down for one last time.

Just recapping the plot makes me sleepy. The key problem in Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is that there's literally nothing to care about here. The story seems to be slapped together randomly. "We need Yetis!" "Can't we get a dragon in this scene?" "I'd like to use a Yak here." I've read Choose Your Own Adventure novels with better narrative cohesion. And better dialogue, chemistry, and drama too. Not long into Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, I started to root for Emperor Han to put an end to this obnoxious group of characters. Particularly abrasive is newcomer Luke Ford, whose accent slips through several regions including Boston and British but never once hits a believable note. There are scenes between Alex and his love interest Lin (Isabella Yeong), who happens to be a relative of the legendary Zi Yuan, that are some of the most painful that I've seen in years. And poor Maria Bello. She's saddled with an awful British accent and forced to play spunky like Weisz in the first two films. It never once works for her and she actually looks physically uncomfortable at times. Even Fraser seems lost. You know you're in trouble when the most believable and empathetic character is a two-thousand year old witch.

With its weak plot and horrible casting, you might assume that Tomb of the Dragon Emperor would at least be saved by a few cool action scenes. It is summer escapism, right? And here we get back to Mr. Cohen. Even the action in Dragon Emperor is horrendous. Cohen chops his film together in such a way that you can't tell or care what's going on at any given moment. And there's no tension. Who lives? Who dies? Who cares? Having just seen the movie, I can't even think of a single shot or special effect that will truly impress summer movie fans and the plot is already starting to fade from memory. There's nothing here. More than any major franchise in a long, long time, this sequel is completely dead on arrival.

Rating: WOOF!

Reviewed by Brian Tallerico (MovieRetriever.com Film Critic)

Release Date: August 1, 2008

Rating: PG-13

Starring: Brendan Fraser, Jet Li, Maria Bello, John Hannah, Michelle Yeoh, Luke Ford, and Isabella Leong

Director: Rob Cohen