Anticipation breeds expectation. Sure, the last few seasons of The X Files wrote a terrible final chapter for a once-amazing show, but the prospect of the reunion of Gillian Anderson, David Duchovny, and Chris Carter made the fanboy in all of us, well, to quote the title, want to believe. About a third of the way into the decade-in-waiting sequel to 1998’s The X Files: Fight the Future, I found myself scribbling alternate titles that a critic could use as the title for their review of this complete, total disaster. Just a sampling - "I Want My $10 Back", "I Want A Rewrite", "I Want It to End." The true shock isn't just that The X Files: I Want To Believe is underwhelming or disappointing – we kind of thought it would be - but the surprise is that it's truly, truly awful, one of the most poorly written and executed major releases of the season. Chris Carter not only continues to damage the legacy of a show that is still one of the most influential of the last two decades, but also firmly places the nail in this franchise’s coffin. I know what I don't want - a third X-Files film.

I Want To Believe opens with the kidnapping of a female FBI agent and a priest named Father Joe (Billy Connelly) who appears to be having visions of the missing woman. Is he for real or is he faking it? If you're not sure, call in the ultimate skeptic and believer. With little explanation (there are NO other psychic experts?), the FBI tries to reconcile with the formerly-framed Mulder and calls Scully to bring in the dynamic duo of all things weird and wacky. Scully has been practicing medicine at Our Lady of Sorrows Hospital and, believe it or not, and there's no spoiler here because it's revealed early, shacking up with our boy Mulder. The two are deeply in love (one of the few elements of the horrible script that feels believable), but while Scully has been saving dying children, it appears that Mulder has been hiding in his room and cutting out newspaper articles that interest him. Is this the case that can bring Mulder back to life? And what will the issues of faith and redemption do to the still-fragile Scully? Xzibit and Amanda Peet co-star as FBI agents, one of whom believes in Mulder and one who doesn't. Yes, I said Xzibit and Amanda Peet co-star as FBI agents. The real mystery is who on Earth thought that was reasonable casting.

The heart-string pulling and overly melodramatic notes are hit early and hit often in the leaden, dead-on-arrival screenplay by Carter and Frank Spotnitz. Father Joe happens to be a convicted pedophile, possibly looking for expiation by faking visions. Scully happens to be in a crisis of conscience over a dying child who she is trying a painful, controversial stem cell treatment on, when perhaps he should be allowed to die in peace. It's even suggested that Mulder is trying so hard to find the missing woman, not because ANYBODY would try and find a kidnap victim if they could, but because he's still trying to find his sister. These overheated character elements are bad enough and the plot of I Want To Believe is certainly weak, but what's truly painful is that Carter has completely lost his ear for dialogue. It was never that strong to begin with, but the overwritten moments of I Want To Believe are jaw-dropping. Another sampling - "You could be right....but what if you're wrong?" "The darkness always finds you...and me." "I'm asking you to look…at yourself." This is dialogue out of the George Lucas' prequel playbook.

So, if dialogue was never Carter's strong suit, you would have to assume that the storytelling in I Want To Believe would be the focus. After all this time, what was the great story swirling in Carter's mind that just HAD to be told? Apparently, it was a tossed away script from the later seasons. It's almost hard to believe that I Want To Believe will stand next to masterpieces like "Home," "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose," and "Triangle" in, technically, the same franchise. There's literally nothing to this forgettable story, and the subplot, the one about the dying kid, is the worst kind of manipulative junk. Worst of all, the entire thing is structured ridiculously. Imagine flipping between an action-driven episode of The X Files and a "very special" ER every ten minutes. It drains the piece every time that it's starting to build steam.

Duchovny and Anderson may still have the chemistry to pull this off – they’ve actually both become better actors in the last decade, showing off great work in both Californication and The House of Mirth, respectively. I don't blame either of them (although poor Gillian falls victim to some horrendous dialogue that will make some think she’s lost any ability for subtlety). No, all of this mess falls at the feet of Mr. Carter, a man who needed to prove that this franchise still had life in it and did the exact opposite. For this film to work, Carter needed to bring Scully and Mulder into a new, scary millennium. Instead, Carter proves that he may want to believe, but that wanting something and still having the ability to pull it off are two very different things.

Rating: ONE BONE

Reviewed by Brian Tallerico (MovieRetriever.com Film Critic)

Release Date: July 25th, 2008

Rating: PG-13

Starring: David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Billy Connelly, Amanda Peet, Xzibit, and Callum Keith Rennie

Director: Chris Carter

Writers: Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz