Review by Brian Tallerico

Someone needs to be punished. The Love Guru isn't just your average bad movie. Smoothly limbo-ing below already low expectations, this "alleged" comedy is the kind of cultural and comedic offense that audiences should demand retribution after seeing. And just giving them back their money won’t do. Mike Myers and Jessica Alba are the main cinematic war criminals in question here, but they'll probably get away with this disaster and move on unscathed to commit more comedic terrorism. Justin Timberlake is bulletproof, but poor Romany Malco and Meagan Good should be worried. Of course, they're not to blame. Every single flaw of The Love Guru falls at the feet of the once-talented, but clearly now completely delusional, Mike Myers. This week's Entertainment Weekly contains a shockingly harsh article about Myers that inspired me to think that he must have been a total prick when the mag interviewed him back in April. Why else would they run such a negative piece about a movie the week of its release? Now I know. They saw the movie and, like me, they're angry.

The loose plot of The Love Guru centers on the cartoon-ish Guru Pitka (Myers), a "poor man's Deepak Chopra." Pitka knows that the only way to true self-help fame is to get on Oprah, and he's working on getting on the Divine Ms. O's radar with the assistance of his agent Richard Pants (Get it? Dick Pants??!?! Hilarious.) They determine that the best way to Ms. Winfrey's notorious couch is by having Pitka bring his emotional expertise to odd case of Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco), the star player of the Toronto Maple Leafs, who has gotten a case of the shakes after his girlfriend (Meagan Good) left him for the French goalie of the L.A. Kings, Jacques "Le Coq" Grande (Justin Timberlake). The owner of the Maple Leafs (Jessica Alba... not kidding... the funniest thing about Guru is that Alba is the owner of a professional hockey team) calls in Pitka to help Roanoke get his groove back in time to help the Leafs win the Stanley Cup. Verne Troyer shows up as the coach of the Leafs, and Ben Kingsley appears in a flashback as one of Pitka's mentors, giving such an embarrassing, exaggerated performance that I'm pretty sure he should just give back his Gandhi Oscar now.

Where do I start? Is The Love Guru offensive? Oh God, yes. Indian people, the vertically challenged, the self-help community, Canadians, homosexuals, recovering addicts, sportscasters, Colbert Report watchers, hockey fans, Celine Dion - all of you should be offended. I'm reminded of a great Seinfeld where Jerry expresses his outrage at dentist Tim Whatley's anti-Semitic jokes, not as a Jew but as a comedian. The Love Guru offends me not as a critic, but as someone who has ever laughed at a movie. The culturally insensitive jokes would be bad enough, but it's the gross-out humor that really sinks Love Guru. Have you ever seen a grown man hit in the face with a mop covered in urine? Have you seen one make diarrhea sounds into a mug for an uncomfortably long time? Want to see the second-shortest man in the world fake a heart attack and get defibrillated across an ice rink? Do you like your comedies with more than one reference to grown men crapping their pants? It's actually making me sad again just writing about it.

In all seriousness, The Love Guru is legendarily bad. It's Epic Movie bad. Postal bad. I'd rather see License to Wed again (and that’s something I never thought I’d put in print). Love Guru isn't just a case of a lazy comedian falling back on his trademark tics. It's much worse than that. It's a lazy comedian taking a dump on the stage floor, tap-dancing around it, singing in a goofy accent, and then giving you jazz hands while he waits for applause. The sheer audacity of it all is unbearable. The Love Guru is the kind of complete mess that makes a critic question the other “lowest possible” ratings he’s given, because those films, honestly, weren’t nearly this bad. Everyone involved should have been ashamed to even look at the dailies. And now they want you to pay for it. They ALL need to be punished.

Rating: WOOF!

Release Date: June 20th, 2008

Rating: PG-13

Starring: Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, Romany Malco, Meagan Good, Justin Timberlake, and Verne Troyer

Director: Marco Schnabel

Writers: Mike Myers & Graham Gordy