Continuing the interesting artistic construct of the much better Paris je'taime, New York, I Love You features directors from around the world linking what is essentially a series of short films about the city that is still arguably the center of the universe. The idea of a bringing a melting pot of cinematic voices together to tell the stories of the greatest multi-cultural cities in America is a fascinating one but New York, I Love You not only fails to come together as a complete film but absolutely wastes the opportunity to actually portray the beating heart of the Big Apple. People from other countries could look at New York, I Love You and think that there are no Hispanic people (literally, not one in the film), very few African Americans (no lead characters), and no gay men or women. In fact, they'd think most people in New York look like Orlando Bloom, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Bradley Cooper, and Olivia Thirlby. Even judged as more of an artistic look at the city – because you certainly can't judge it as a remotely realistic one – New York, I Love You is only occasionally entertaining and really only clicks to life when people who know a thing or two about the city are on screen. Most of the time, it's more boring than an average conversation in Times Square.

New York, I Love You starts off on the wrong foot with a nauseatingly smug short directed by Jiang Wen and starring Hayden Christensen as a pickpocket, Rachel Bilson as the girl who catches his eye, and Andy Garcia as the man in the middle. When people think of "a New York story," do ANY of them think of Anakin, Summer from The O.C., and Andy Garcia? Immediately, the film doesn't feel like New York. And it will be awhile before it does again. Up next is Mira Nair with a paper-thin story of a Hasidic diamond buyer (Natalie Portman) and her friendly relationship over business with an Arabic gem seller (Irffan Khan). To be fair, this is one of the few times that multi-culturalism comes into the world of New York, I Love You, but it feels incomplete, as if Nair could have done something with more time but can't register with the short-form format.

It gets much worse for a few segments, one directed by Shunji Iwai and starring Orlando Bloom and a much-worse one directed by Yvan Attal starring Ethan Hawke and Maggie Q. It's here where the viewer realizes that everyone in the world of New York, I Love You looks like Hawke or Maggie Q and that their borderline sexual-assault repartee outside a bar only works because they're uncommonly beautiful. If a real New Yorker tried Hawke's bit from the film, he'd be arrested.

Believe it or not, and this is probably the first and last time I'll ever write this, things pick up when Brett Ratner stops by. The divisive director actually produces the first smiles of the film in a quick-and-clever bit about a high school student (Anton Yelchin) recently dumped by his girlfriend (Blake Lively) and set up for a prom date with the paraplegic daughter (Olivia Thirlby) of his local pharmacist (James Caan). Ratner finally gets the film into Central Park and picks up the pace of a movie that was really starting to drag. It's also refreshing at this point to finally see someone who looks like he knows his way around New York in Jimmy Caan.

Similarly, Drea de Matteo of The Sopranos fame has a New York authenticity that lends credence to her short with Bradley Cooper and director Allen Hughes finally injects the film with a bit of lyricism. We watch Cooper and de Matteo's characters, the former in a cab and the latter on a train, as they go to meet after a one-night stand. With most of their thoughts in narration, the Hughes' short is easily the best, representing the movement and randomness of the city so missing from the rest of the piece.

New York, I Love You crashes back to Earth with an inconsequential and predictable short by Natalie Portman and an awful one by Shekhar Kapur in which we're forced to watch the still-lovely Julie Christie act opposite Shia LaBeouf. No offense to Shia, but he's out of his league here, as evidenced by his bizarre accent and unusual character. Fatih Akin, the return of Attall, and finally Joshua Marston close out the piece. Marston ends on a high note, basically filming the great Eli Wallach and Cloris Leachman as they walk to Coney Island. Maybe it's a sign of my age or just recognition that these two great actors actually look at home in NYC, but I could have watched them bicker for hours. Unlike most of the film, they feel real and make an impact in their short time on-screen. But they're a rarity. The best word to describe New York, I Love You is one that most people who love this great city would never use for the real thing – forgettable.

Rating: TWO BONES