It's no secret that the Hound has a big, big man-crush on Uwe Boll, a film director who could alternately be described as either the P.T. Barnum or Ed Wood of our generation. Though Uwe has built up a wide canon of video game-based movies (House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, to name but a few), he's almost become more famous for his larger-than-life personality and his uncanny ability for enraging the delicate sensibilities of even the most discerning internet movie nerd. You may have recently heard about an online petition at StopUweBoll.org that is trying to collect a million signatures to encourage Boll to retire forever from filmmaking. We'd like to encourage our readers not to sign. Whatever you think of Boll's movies, the man adds a lot of life and laughter to the world of filmmaking (some intentional, some not), so we want to keep him around for a LONG time.

This weekend, Boll's most controversial movie to date, a black comedy based on the widely banned video game Postal, is hitting theatres...well, only four theatres, thanks to exhibitors getting squeamish about the film's subject matter. (He mocks 9/11 in the film's opening and it, allegedly, gets worse from there.) So we thought this would be the perfect time for Uwe and the Hound to finally meet - albeit through an email interview. BE WARNED. We're presenting Uwe's responses to our questions EXACTLY how we received them. Any or all spelling/grammatical errors are - we're assuming - part of Uwe's directorial intentions.

Here's the interview:

You’ve made so many video game-based movies. What attracted you to Postal?

It was the opportunity to get back to my roots. My very first movie GERMAN FRIED MOVIE was a comedy and here I could make after all that horror, action and sci-fi movies another comedy.

Were there ever any moments on the set of Postal where you thought, “OK, I may have gone too far”?

No. But everybody else said the whole time: YOU SHOULDNT DO THAT....and THAT.... A few crewmembers and tons of actors refused to work on POSTAL. All idiots and pussies.

The early screenings of Postal have probably brought you some of the most positive reviews of your career. [Editor's Note: This is actually true.] Does that make you want to write and direct more comedies?

Absolutely. But the key was that I wrote again and will keep doing that. I have with SEED and 1968 - TUNNELRATS 2 more movies in the can ---i wrote and directed and I think this movies are really good ...way better as my videogame based movies.

You appear in Postal and in the online General Patton shorts encouraging people not to see Postal. Do you want to start appearing in all of your movies like M. Night Shyamalan?

No. But it was necessary in POSTAL to show that I'm not shy making jokes about me also.

If a person has the choice to see Postal or Indiana Jones on May 23rd, why should they choose to go see Postal?

You wanna see grandpa Ford or Verne Troyer getting raped by monkeys? But serious: why not seeing 2 movies?

Vince Desi [CEO of the company that produces the Postal video game] recently announced that the May 23rd release date of Postal might be in jeopardy. How confident are you that Postal will make it to theatres?

We book what we get. We have Austen, Tucson, Denver, L.A. and New York so far. So please go all out there and ask your local theaters to book the movie.

It sounds like Michael Bay is trying to deny his involvement in the “Bay vs. Boll” boxing match you announced on Movieset.com. If Bay doesn’t want to box you, would you be willing to go head-to-head with Bay in another kind of competition? Bowling? Ballroom dance?

I wanna kick his ass not dance around with him

You recently filed a lawsuit against Billy Zane and Romar Entertainment for their mishandling of BloodRayne’s theatrical release. [Editor's Note: Yes, THAT Billy Zane produced BloodRayne.] If you win the lawsuit, would you accept the Titanic “Heart of the Ocean” necklace as payment?

No. I want 500.000 $ plus damages and I will make him pay

Will Sanderson, Michael Pare, Clint Howard, and Zack Ward [all B-movie actors who frequently appear in Boll's films] are on a sinking ocean-liner and you only have room for one of them in your lifeboat – who do you chose?

I have to safe Will ......

On his web diary on the House of the Dead website, Will Sanderson mentioned that you would make him act out “funny versions” of scenes for the DVD outtakes. Are those scenes going to be the basis for the upcoming House of the Dead: Funny Version DVD? [Editor's Note: Yes, that DVD is ACTUALLY coming out this fall.]

Yes. It is really funny.

Our website’s mascot is the VideoHound. If a dog wearing sunglasses told you to go see a movie, would you listen?

I have 2 dogs and I only listen to my dogs.