To begin, before the full-on flame assault commences, we should say upfront that we really, really wanted to like Watchmen. We love the original book, we definitely liked most of director Zack Snyder's previous stuff (Dawn of the Dead and 300 were fun), and we flat-out adored all of the advance material we saw - the trailers, the posters, the viral marketing campaign, complete with fake newscasts and 80s-era videogames... there was a lot to enjoy. Then we saw the movie. And, to quote Rorschach, "Hurm." (Or, in the words of the snarky online masses, "Meh.")

Watchmen definitely doesn't deserve some of the harsher criticism it's received - well, it does deserve SOME - but, on the flip side, it definitely doesn't deserve the level of unquestioning and uncritical nerd love that's been angrily stomping around the internet lately, daring commentators to say otherwise. Watchmen is a story about an imperfect world and its imperfect defenders, so perhaps it's almost fitting that the best word to describe the film is "imperfect." If anything, it has us at MovieRetriever convinced (more than ever) that adaptation needs to be more than just bringing visuals to life or reenacting scene after scene exactly as it appeared in the original. Rather, adaptation needs to be about getting the character, mood, and tone of the work correct first, and everything else is just gravy. We would've traded one moment of honest-to-God, palpable Cold War dread for all the Mars scenes in the world.

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We're so convinced of the film's oddly flawed nature that, even if you liked the movie and disagreed with our review, there are still some fundamentally screwy aspects of Watchmen that we're willing to bet that not even the most die-hard of fanboys can't say crossed their minds. As such, here are eight of our main complaints about Watchmen that we're finding hardest to dismiss. (Warning: Some SPOILERS may follow, but we'll try to keep them to a minimum.) Please, if you have smoking gun arguments for why we're crazy for harping on these issues - and there's more, believe us, we're not even going to get into Malin Akerman - post a comment below and tell us what we're missing.

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8. What Was the Deal with the Music?

Admit it. More than once during Watchmen, you laughed at one of the songs Zack Snyder chose to underscore a scene and NOT for a good reason. It's a shame since Snyder starts off so well, with Bob Dylan's "Times They Are a Changin'" effectively accompanying the film's fantastic title sequence (best part of the movie). Granted, using that song to score a montage where you literally watch the times-a-changin' IS a bit on the nose, but it's forgivable (and, yes, we do know that the Dylan song is referenced in the comic, but the point is still valid). What isn't forgivable is the director's awkward, borderline-embarrassing use of other pop ballads in either strange or clichéd-as-hell places. Simon & Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence" for a funeral? WOW. Never heard that one before. (Surprised he didn't use "Danny Boy.") And why would Snyder use Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" for a sex scene, particularly since it's perhaps THE most insanely over-used song in movie and TV history? (It was used in Shrek, for Pete's sake.) And what was the deal with blaring "99 Luftballons" during Dan and Laurie's quiet dinner? Is this The Wedding Singer where we constantly have to remind the audience that we're in the 1980s? One wonders why they didn't just show us the Comedian shooting J.R. Ewing from the grassy knoll.

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But it was the awkward matching of lyrics to on-screen action that was really the worst. Playing "All Along the Watchtower" just so you can have the lyrics "Outside in the cold distance / A wild cat did growl / Two riders were approachin' / And the wind began to howl" match up to Nite Owl and Rorschach (two riders) making a crash-landing in harsh Antarctica (cold distance/wind howling) is so very lame. But nothing beats the muzak version of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" playing during a scene featuring a character (we'll be spoiler friendly) who, in fact, wants to rule the world. We're sure that Snyder thought that was pretty cute, but, man, it just reeks of obviousness and trying too hard. We halfway expected REM's "It's the End of the World as We Know It" to play constantly over the last reel of the movie.

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7. What Was with Rorschach and the Meat Cleaver?

One of the most gruesome scenes in Watchmen is watching the vigilante Rorschach take a meat cleaver to the head of a child murderer over and over and OVER again. It's violent, strangely gory, stupidly CGI-ed (it looks faker than Dr. Manhattan), and didn't really disturb audiences as much as it made them say "Eww." But here's the thing - that scene ISN'T in the original graphic novel. In Watchmen the book, Rorschach handcuffs the killer to a radiator, sets the house on fire, and walks out while the guy dies horribly OFF-PANEL. Watchmen is a violent enough story as is (pregnant women getting shot, people exploding), so why did Snyder feel the need to generically generate a "shocking" moment that's not in the book? And for what end? The story is filled with enough genuine shocks and sobering violence, so why add a scene straight out of a slasher movie "just because"? It accomplishes nothing.

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6. What Happened to Richard Nixon's Face?

Maybe it's unfortunate that Watchmen came out just a few months after Frost/Nixon, in which Frank Langella brought Tricky Dick to life with a bare minimum of make-up, but dear lord, Watchmen's version of Richard Nixon looked like a Silly Putty truck exploded on his face. Seriously, Mickey Rourke wore less prosthetics in Sin City and, as a result, Snyder's Nixon looks like one of those Spitting Image puppets from the 1980s. (Maybe Snyder was making an intentional allusion to Genesis' 1986 "Land of Confusion" video, in which the SI puppets act out Ronald Reagan starting World War III. And, now that we think about it, we're surprised that Snyder didn't play that song during the War Room scenes.) And don't get us started on the make-up hack job that turned the gorgeous Carla Gugino into the weirdest-looking old lady this side of Sharon Stone.

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5. Why Is Smoking Suddenly Worse Than Sex, Violence, or Genocide?

Sometimes political correctness is a funny animal. Apparently, Warner Brothers was fine with copious male nudity (more on that later), blood and guts, and some of the most anti-social behavior ever, but smoking? That's where their tolerance ends. Aside from a few quick scenes of the Comedian (looking as demonic as possible) chomping on a cigar, all of the other smoking references throughout the story have been excised. Were you wondering why Malin Akerman seemed so surprised when she accidentally ignited the flame-thrower on Nite Owl's ship? ("I pressed the wrong button"? It had a flame on it, what did you think it was?) Well, that scene makes a lot more sense in the comic when you realize that Laurie was looking for a cigarette lighter at the time. Thank god she didn't press the button with the missile on it.

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4. Why Did EVERYBODY Have Super-Powers?

One of the bigger thematic issues in Watchmen is watching how everyone in the world reacts to having a real-life, nigh-omniscient Superman in their midst. Dr. Manhattan is the planet's only REAL superhero - i.e., with powers beyond the abilities of normal humans - while the other masked heroes are just guys with masks on who either a). have trained themselves to be excellent combatants or b). have the cash to buy lots of wonderful toys. However, in Zack Snyder's version of Watchmen, apparently, all of the masked vigilantes are living in The Matrix because they can punch through walls, float up ladders like they're flying, and kick their enemies hard enough to send them into the magical world of slow motion. In the book, it's supposed to be insanely impressive that the still-human Ozymandias might be fast enough to even attempt catching a bullet, but, during the Comedian's opening fight scene, the combatants are punching through marble counter tops like they're Agent Smith, so what's the big deal about a little ol' bullet catch? While we understand turning up the action for the movie version, it just seems wrong to fill a story about the all-too-human weaknesses of heroes with said heroes defying the laws of physics right and left.

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3. Where Did That Weird CGI Kitty Cat Come From?

Those unfamiliar with the Watchmen graphic novel may have been wondering where Matthew Goode's Ozymandias character got his hands on a bizarre CGI tiger sidekick in the final moments of the film. (Toon Town, maybe?) Particularly since the film never took even a second to explain what the heck the tiger was. (True story: A guy sitting next to us at the screening said, out loud, "When did Snagglepuss show up? What is this, Scooby Doo?") Those who have read Watchmen know that the weird kitty was actually Bubastis, Ozy's genetically-engineered pet lynx, but even those of us who knew and loved the long-eared quasi-feline thought he stuck out like a sore thumb. Again, it gets into the problem with overly literal adaptations, particularly of literary works with insanely vigilant fan bases. (Just ask the directors of the Harry Potter films.) Yes, it was nice to see Bubastis at the end, but, if you don't even have five seconds to loop in a line explaining what he is and why he's there, then he shouldn't even be in the film. He distracts rather than adds. It's particularly problematic because - SPOILER alert - the kitty gets a death scene, a scene NO ONE cares about because they've never been introduced to him. Yes, you want to please the hardcore fans by cramming in EVERYTHING, but, if you don't have time to have those details make sense within the confines of the story, why bother?

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2. Honestly. Did We Need That Much Glowing Blue Full-Frontal Nudity?

First off, we here at MovieRetriever are not prudes and we actually think it's insane that the MPAA has historically had such a problem with nudity in films, particularly since they seem to have no problem whatsoever with violence in any shape or form. However, we'll admit, we got tired of seeing Dr. Manhattan's hypnotic blue junk pretty quickly. (The movie is called Watchmen, not "Watch Men," which, BTW, will be the title of the porn adaptation of the film.) For those who haven't read the comic, here's a fun fact - there's SIGNIFICANTLY more blue nudity in the movie than in the book. There are maybe, maybe 12 panels across Watchmen's entire 12-issue span where you can see Little Manhattan (and another 3 or 4 where it's a speck in the distance), and there's like 3,600 panels in the whole series. Be honest. All the nudity was distracting and a more than a little silly. If there's supposed to be this focus on reproducing the comic as closely as possible, we have no idea why Snyder didn't also reproduce artist Dave Gibbons' knowledge of when less is more.

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1. Why Are Some People Excusing Watchmen's Flaws on the Promise of a Director's Cut?

This one gets into the ugly side of expectations and how certain fans can't really deal with the fact that a film they were greatly anticipating might not live up to everything they were hoping for. We've ALL been there. It's called "Phantom Menace Syndrome." You spent months and months joyfully comparing the Pod Race scene with the speeder-bike sequence in Jedi and extolling the virtues of Darth Maul's lightsaber until, months later, you have that one moment of sobering clarity when you finally say out loud, "God, that sucked." But, hey, we realize that Watchmen didn't live up to a lot of people's expectations (us included), and we disappointed masses will just have to deal. Boo-frickin-hoo.

What we can't accept is how many people online are defending Watchmen against its negative reviews with bone-headed statements like "We're sure that, once Zack Snyder's director's cut is released, Watchmen will be heralded as the classic that we all know it is." WHAT? Wait, so Warner Brothers cut out 45 minutes (45 minutes that you haven't seen and can't vouch for) of the film that you just paid $10 to see (maybe more in IMAX) and you're alleging that, even though you're sure that we're wrong for not acknowledging the film's awesomeness in its current form, those allegedly-brilliant deleted scenes will finally open the eyes of the masses to Watchmen's true genius? Once again... WHAT? That's almost an admission that the person making that argument KNOWS, in their heart of hearts, that the film doesn't work. Only a few pictures have ever been truly saved by a director's cut - The Abyss, Blade Runner, Heaven's Gate, and... that's it - and, in all of those cases, it was totally 100% appropriate to rip on the theatrical release because, in the end, they didn't come together. Granted, maybe Snyder will really wow us with Watchmen: The Complete Version someday, but, until we actually see it, there's no reason to give the guy a free pass sight unseen.

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What do you think? Have your own Watchmen complaints? Or do you just need an outlet for your nerd rage?

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