We received a pained phone call from our theatrical critic this week, asking (as polite as he could) whether we wanted him to pay out of his own pocket to see Saw V. You see, certain movies tend not to hold critic screenings before they're released and, generally, those films are, almost always, giant piles of crap. There are certain movies that are just considered "critic proof," either because they're obviously popcorn thrills of the lowest common denominator - meant more for Joe the Plumber than Joe the College Graduate - or because they're about a subject that movie critics usually hate. Case in point - not a lot of horror, teen romance, or video game-based movies screen for critics. (We've actually got a great teen-authored take on this weekend's other critic-proof film, High School Musical 3, that will be posted on Monday.)

Despite all that, we almost made our critic go see Saw V early this morning because a). it's going to make a ton of money and b). we're jerks. But, in the end, we decided that it just wasn't worth it. Some horror franchises go in new and interesting directions as they mature, but Saw IV was one of the worst horror movies we've ever seen.  However, the Saw movies HAVE ingratiated themselves into the Halloween movie-going habits of so many horror fans - Saw V is using the grammatically-challenged tagline "If It's Halloween, It Must Be Saw" in their ads - that we realize we're fighting an uphill battle in trying to stop fans from seeing how the Saw franchise "allegedly" ends.

What's our solution?  Offer an alternative. Horror fans just need to know that Saw V isn't the only horror movie they can see his Halloween holiday season. However, we realize that a petition from a C-list website might not be enough to sway you from going to see the creepy guy from The Firm murder people with Rube Goldberg devices for 90 minutes. We needed someone, a member of the Hollywood media elite, with some credibility we could borrow for the cause, so we approached a filmmaker with a long history of horrifying movie audiences - Uwe Boll.

That's right, the controversial German director behind such oft-debated classics as Postal, BloodRayne, Alone in the Dark, and House of the Dead. Surely, someone of Boll's experience and knowledge must have some suggestions for better ways to spend your Halloween than watching Saw V, right?

We contacted Boll - who, it has to be said, is exceedingly accessible and polite - and asked for some scary movie suggestions for the Halloween season. We soon received this list:

my favorite horror movies of all time are

THE SHINING

ROSEMARIES BABY

DAWN OF THE DEAD

So, right there, those are three much, much better suggestions than going to see Luke from Gilmore Girls die in a Saw movie. Don't you agree?  But then we realized - Dr. Boll has his own recently released horror movie, Seed, which hit DVD shelves on September 9th. Perhaps that would be a better horror option than spending your Halloween with Saw yet again. (Stranger things have happened.)

Granted, the reviews for Seed have ranged from "it is a rare horror film that no only stays with you after the film ends, but challenges you to think" to "an ugly, slow, pretentious capper to the German director's infamously bad horror movie career," but, really, could it be worse than Saw IV?

Thus we decided to give Uwe a platform to promote his film and asked him to name the Top 5 Reasons Why You Should Rent Seed This Halloween. Here's what we got:

SEED is really bitter and gruesome

SEED is not compromising and no fun horror

SEED has with the HAMMER scene maybe the hardest horror scene ever

SEED has an unbelievable depressing beginning and ending

SEED is the last part of Will Sanderson in a movie - he quit acting after the shoot

So there you go.

Let's all thank Dr. Boll for giving us some alternatives aside from the Saw industrial complex for our Halloween horror movie needs and remember that just because something is "critic proof" that doesn't mean it doesn't suck.

Happy Halloween!